Welcome to my Blog


Welcome to my Blog.

This is the place where I describe my experiences with Bi-Polar Disorder as authentically and truthfully as I am able.

The Tag Cloud on the left is there to help you choose any blog entry that is relevant to a particular topic. If you are looking for something more specific  do use the Search feature above the Tag Cloud. On a more general note, please be aware that my most recent blog entry appears first.

My blog is also the place where I endeavour to treat YOU the reader with respect and consideration.

Cant feel happy

I feel absolutely useless about everything in life. I have been o anti deppressents for years  , had alcoholism for 10+ years . Am now almost 2 yrs sober...miracle, yet still so very,very low. Doctor is at a loss with me, asked "what will make you happy?"  Wish so much i knew then i could be normal, i seem to vary from feeling how i do to feeling so, So guilty to feel like this when others have so many worse things,  Self harm helps me sleep, i LOVE sleeping, its the waking up i hate , it all feels very painful nowadaus and i cant see a solution except suicide which i made clumsy attempts before, I guess i dont really want to die, i just want to be happy. Dr has now added prozac to my effexor, despite the fact i was took off them years ago coz stopped working , am i just to resign to the fact i will be a miserable old cow forever coz i cant go on like this, just need to know how to feel ok again, Darent go back to drink coz have no control over my pill taking, so scared of being locked up, Here go again, major SELF pity, round and round in circles.

Hello 'anonymous'

You are entitled to feeling pity for yourself - I bet you would feel pity for someone else in your situation.  Having said that, the very words 'self-pity' have a negative connotation so we end up feeling bad about feeling bad.  I have banished 'pity' from my thinking.  Now I feel 'compassion' for myself and for others.  That works much better.

I am going to stick my neck out here: the key is not to feel happy.  Clinical Depression is not the opposite of feeling happy - it's the opposite of feeling well.  Only 'superficial' emotional depression (feeling blue, despondent, discouraged) is the opposite of feeling happy.

There is nothing superficial about your depression: anyone who needs to cut to feel relief  is not in superficial pain - far from it. You have already worked one huge miracle: you have stopped drinking.  That's great because alcohol is a depressant the euphoric effect of which doesn't last for very long. Alcohol makes clinical depression worse.

Here is something else you can do:  please start loving yourself as you are now. You are not a miserable cow (why would you call yourself that!), you are a person in pain. Love yourself, soothe yourself, be your own best friend, learn that you are likely to be a highly empathic person (i.e. someone who FEELS powerfully, especially heart and soul pain).  Please find some help/ASK for help with taking your medication well and regularly.  You are worth it.  As you accept your condition, you will find it easier to become your own best physician as well as you best friend.

You are scared - of course you are. Don't ask 'what will make me happy?' (it's too soon for that).  Ask 'what will make me feel a little safer?' and go for that. Step by step, without beating yourself up for the od step backwards. It's part of the deal for everyone. Ask for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) - it's a powerful yet gentle way to address the vicious circle you feel caught in,

The key word here is 'ASK'.  Gor for it my friend, go for it.

Here are bucketfuls of love and encouragement to you.

Gabrielle x

i am well and know fading to sleep/ thanks for being a friend

i worked hard to stand in front of you/ i am strong and i know perfect what the deal is/ we are hotrods and prone to overheating/ trie putting some ice on you to cool down the blood/ tin foil hats do work but not the funny way/ it will dissapate heat/ alowing you to have the cooler head that prevails./lol thanks im glad we dont have to go on f/b/ but i will/lol.

stay out of lockdown and bless others like you do me/ you will be perfect/ nice to meet your fam in the intro/ it is nice what you have done with the place...peace

Thank you Robert

As always I enjoy your language and your "it's nice what you have done with the place" made me giggle.

Peace to you to my friend.

G xxx

reply to reply

this is so nice..its like a clinic. i am well and battling the thing others call a disease.

it gives more than it takes, i like i cry, shows im a man. i made money sick and none on meds.use meds by man,

i dont

ou already know i have a food problem, i spent all my bread on this so i can fix my head.

im ok, i go for days without eating.. i just sleep a little more., so i am a friend i think thats why i stopped to say high. i sea u help me and i thank you.

i cnt have normal relations because i need to find a loon like me so iwill have something to speak on, but i dont see that going down as i cant even take care of myself...

all i am is beautiful words for my love...

im glad you read my comment, and i dont need your approval..i know im in good with u. i would say more but you already know my situation..its 1300 hr im going to take a churcill and wipe my thatcer/ u are a rightious person..hand in glove, we are tight.

thank your folks for having you

                                                                      thankful to be your friend.                                                                                                                                      Rob Turner/                                                      lets do coffee and tea                                                                               

thanks, for colouring my

thanks, for colouring my world.

Thank you Robert

I ike your  'we are tight'   :D xx

Gabrielle xx


Hi Gabrielle,

I'm not sure how, but while browsing the internet on my phone before I eventually go to bed, I found 'bi polar girl' and it made me smile.

I have been looking and reading through your posts and found them to do exactly what you set out to do - challenge convention and introduce new perspectives on a difficult to talk about subject, while at the same time making people smile :)

I was given a bipolar disorder diagnosis a few years ago, mid way through my degree. I had to withdraw for that year and it was not a good time for anyone involved, especially loved ones. However, next year I continued with my studies for a further 3 years and graduated with my degree in June 2011. It was a hell of a journey and the end isn't even close.

Thank you again and good luck.

Best wishes,


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