Healing memory

I have been re-reading many of my previous blog entries and it is surprising how healing I have found this to be.

I say 'surprising' because in a way it could be VERY depressing - the Bi-Polar Land that I describe in those articles is horribly familiar territory. I recognise and remember much of what I have lived through - in fact, I recognise ALL of it. Because of that, it would be accurate to say that I have not recovered at all... It's the same old cycle of fluctuations, medication, and ECT.

Nothing much has changed EXCEPT that I am so much more at peace with my situation than I ever was then. I have accepted the presence of my bipolat disorder (BPD) and I have come to terms with the fact that my BPD is a chronic illness present for life. I now know and accept that I will never be rid of it.

Having said that my accepting does NOT mean my giving into it all the time. It's just that I treat it as I would having one leg shorter than the other - it's always there, so I wear sturdy shoes and I avoid running on uneven surfaces...My balance is not great and I behave accordingly, avoiding the sort of situations where I might fall flat on my face. You could say that I have mastered the art of not setting myself up to fail.

I am very surprised by how easily I have related to my BPD over the last few years. Re-reading about all my previous struggles has brought new insight and appreciation to the level of my conscious awareness. They say you don't really appreciated anything until you no longer have it but this is a case of not really appreciating something eventhough I have had it for a few years now. My life in Bi-Polar Land is no longer a continuous battle - it is a continuing journey, with its ups and downs.

There is one VERY imporant fact in this journey of mine and it is this one:  I have had the same treatment for the past five years -

• Same cocktail of medication in the same dosage
• Same Maintenance ECT every four weeks throughout the winter (my worst time) - less in the summer.

This means that I have not been pushed from pillar to post from medication to medication and shaken between medication side-effects. As a result I have been able to 'settle' into some level of stability, even if that stability fluctuates and is subject to the cycles of my illness.  We are in Bi-Polar Land after all...

The other important fact is that I am older and I am 'naturally' less combative than I used to be.

I suppose that Batty (my BPD) would say that I am easier to get along with  these days :D