Family & Relationships

Family wise, here is an uncomfortable truth that we Bi-Polar Landers must all face up to:

Whoever lives with us also lives with our bipolar disorder (BPD). And it is hard for them to do so, it is VERY hard.

We are so engulfed by, and even drowning in, our own symptoms that we often forget we too have a duty of CARE towards those that love us, and take care of us.

Our life partner may have signed up to stick by us ‘in sickness and in health’ but this does not mean that they deserve to live in hell for the duration of our presence in this world - and hell it can be.

Because when on the manic/hypomanic scale our behaviour can be erratic, our partner and our children never know what is going to happen. This is a situation I know well because I grew up in it and the feeling I remember most about those years is FEAR. Even for an adult partner and any close family, the ever present STRESS and ANXIETY can be overwhelming.

Another very difficult feeling our family usually lives with is HELPLESSNESS and frustration at not being able to ‘help’ us. Watching someone you love go through the depth of bipolar depression is very painful. It is especially difficult because when depressed most Bi-Polar Landers withdraw and stop communicating completely.

To make matters more difficult, not every Bi-Polar Lander is a born communicator to start with so explaining/describing what we are experiencing and how we are feeling can be extremely difficult. Besides, we all tend to think that we are the only ones with our symptoms and that sense of isolation is extremely unhelpful which is why I encourage everybody in Bi-Polar Land to find a blog written by a fellow BPD sufferer. Fortunately nowadays there are a few very good ones online (see www.bi-polargirl.com/resources) and, like everything else, it is important to try one and then move on to another if it does not quite fit our needs.

It is during the times between manic and depressed episodes (when we are often too ill to do it) that we owe it to ourselves and to our family to COMMUNICATE. It is important that we do our best to share our experience as best we can so that our family;

1. Understand what we are going through
2. Know how best to behave themselves to help us
3. Get to recognise our fluctuations between mania and depression
4. Feel honoured and rewarded for their own efforts. This last point is most important - I never lose an opportunity to thank my husband for his support and his understanding, and I do my best to make him feel like a precious human being, which he is.
   Outside of our immediate family, relationships are also affected by our illness. I would argue that friendships are extremely important.

The limitations imposed by our BPD mean that it isn’t always easy to keep ‘ordinary’ relationships going because it is very hard for healthy people to understand why we can’t do this, and why we can’t do that, especially because ours is usually a ‘hidden disability’. Having said that, raising awareness and communication are hugely important again in this regard because someone who understands our illness will be much more likely to keep our friendship going.

Outside of our immediate personal friendship circle, it is worth remembering that someone who suffers from a chronic illness will be much better ‘equipped’ to understand and support us - and I have found this to be valid whether (surprisingly) that person suffers from a physical or mental chronic condition. There is something about living at the mercy of your illness that anybody who experiences it is able to understand, whatever that illness is.

Also, there is some good news in this area because nowadays friendship can take many forms. Many of my friends are online on the usual popular platforms (see https://www.facebook.com/the.bipolargirl.page). This means two things:

1. We can communicate as and when it suits us, i.e. when we feel well enough to do so
2. We can share our experience with a much larger group of people than we could in person. thus fighting isolation and the ‘I am the only one to feel this way’ syndrome. Plus of course we tend to worry less about being boring …

Another satisfying aspect of online friendships is that we often help others by helping ourselves. Communication is a two way street and sharing our personal experience can help another person going through the same situation. Electronic communication is also a very easy way to offer support without draining our own energy. Sending a little ‘good morning/good evening, I just wanted to say hi and I hope you are coping well today’' message can make a huge difference in someone’s life, and can even save someone’s life in Bi-Polar Land.

One relationship that should never be overlooked is the one we have with our psychiatrist and our medical team. Treating them as friends rather than enemies ALWAYS makes a huge difference to the way they treat us - which in turn affects our medical outcome. (We must never forget that their deepest wish is to see us get better and, being human beings, they tend to experience our lack of improvement as a failure on their part).

The power of friendship cannot be overstated for us Bi-Polar Landers and it is important that we encourage positive relationships for ourselves and for others at every opportunity that presents itself.