Mystery of the Depressed Brain ...

My brain is indeed a conundrum. I have now had an ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatment and although I am feeling a bit better my brain still feels like it weighs a ton in my head.

Admitedly, one ECT is not  what I would have had, had I gone into hospital. I know this because the last two times I was hospitalised this is the treatment I was offered - always with my consent - over the period of four weeks I was there:

• Two ECTs the first week
• One ECT the following week
• One ECT every other week for the following two weeks
• Which then brought me back to my Maintenance ECT level of one treatment every four weeks.

So I can't expect one ECT to treat my severe depression all by itself but, as things stand, I just don't feel like going into hospital. I guess things might change if I get suicidal again. At the moment, i am depressed but I am not obsessed with 'opting out' so life is bearable.  Besides I am able to carry out my little routine duties such as preparing meals and dealing with the laundry, and this of course has value for my husband since he has enough to do with his full time job.

And this feeling of being 'useful' is important to me.  I thought it was just me and my depression feeling this way but apparently it is common for retired people in my age group. The worst thing I can focus on is being 'useless'. It soon pushes me overboard from a depressed state into a suicidal state. I am no good to anybody is a killer thought for me.

It is sad to feel reduced to a routine activity such as emptying the dishwasher ...

Having said all that, as I am siting here writing this blog entry, my head is gradually feeling 'lighter' and that means I am gradually feeling better.  I have noticed this before in the great conundrum that is my brain - writing often helps. I must also mention something else: I know from past experience that it can take two or three days AFTER an ECT for my brain to start registering an improvement. Once again I don't know why but I know it has happened.

In truth I am none the wiser about anything but so long as I am feeling better who cares :D