This year (2013) has been tough. I never properly came out of my yearly downturn. I have dragged myself as best I could but I mut admit that I am royally fed-up with it all.

A new antidepressant (Escitalopram) and a new anti-psychotic (Abilify) seemed to work for a while. My energy lifted - in fact it lifted a bit too much - and I calmed down - in fact I calmed down a bit too much.

And here is the rub: too much is no good and too little is no good either. I live in that place where balance is all. Balance = Stability. I live on a high wire I keep falling off from. Even when I don't fall off, staying on it is exhausting.

What I mean by that is that I have to monitor myself constantly. Am I:

  • Eating properly? (very hard when constantly nauseated by the medication)
  • Sleeping well enough? (the only thing I can really control here is my bedtime routine)
  • Keeping my thinking positive? (making sure I don't catastrophise)
  • Acknowledging my feelings and processing them well? (rather than pretend I am OK when I am not)
  • Keeping active as much as my energy allows me? (whilst also making sure I allow myself the rest I need)
  • Being kind to myself? (as much and as easily as I am kind to others)

All this requires super self-awareness. Self-awareness, exhausting as it is, is essential but it is NOT sufficient.  I also need to switch off and get into mindfulness.  In other words, I need to let go of all control.  Here is another area of balance that requires energy: awareness vs mindfulness. When do I switch from one to the other? Usually when I have run out of steam and vigilance is no longer possible for me.

I think this is where I go wrong. I need to practice mindfulness more. I need to practice switching off before I have no other choice but to collapse against the switch.

I will admit to something I don't fully understand: I find it easier to switch off when I have lots of energy than I do when I am very low on energy.  This makes no sense to me and yet I experience this again and again. I go to my yoga, meditation and deep breathing with no problem when my energy is good. When my energy is low, I find it easier (almost automatic) to switch on into super awareness than I do to switch off into mindfulness. Switching off then feels like climbing mount Everest.

Why is that?

What could I do to improve on this? I don't have the answer (yet) - I am just asking the question.

I like asking questions and waiting for the answer to come to me. It feels like awareness (asking) and mindfulness (letting go) all in one go. At least that's ONE thing I get a good balance on  :D

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