Recovery

I haven't written for a while because it has been VERY difficult for me to know what to write. If I had written anything it would have looked something like this:

I am feeling green around the gills... A 700mg dose of Carbamazepine (Tegretol) is doing its anti-suicidal work very well. The zone between my ears is wonderfully clear. If anything it is a little on the empty side but I can live with that.

Unfortunately it is working rather too well in two other areas:

The last two days I have been in prison. I am not aware of having committed any crime but I have been incarcerated all the same.

I reach a point in the deep depression phase of my BPD (Bi-Polar Disorder) when my body feels like a block of concrete. I can hardly move. I walk about as if I were wearing an all-body straight jacket with heavy plaster casts on my legs. I feel like I weigh a ton. Each movement demands enormous effort. I am two inches away from becoming a statue.

After a day of Amazing Grace, today was a day of Slipped Back down the Hole.  Fortunately the hole wasn't a Black Hole so, although my energy was low, I didn't feel like my very marrow was being sucked out by some hungry dog.  You have to be grateful for small mercies ....

As midnight has now passed, it is officially my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

I haven't written for a LONG time. Even though I gave up playing The Shame Card many years ago, I am still deeply embarrassed by my long silence. I feel I need to tell you the truth so this is what happened:

At the beginning of last year, I was on an equal daily dose of Tegretol (Carbamazepine) and Seroquel (Quetiapine.)

One of the hardest things about living in Bi-Polar Land is the need to be self-observant without becoming self-obsessed. The other hardest thing (!) is to define what you are supposed to observe in the first place. Take today for example: I feel a bit of a mess - simple as that. And yet, I don't mind too much ....

Ever since I first woke up this morning, I have felt bombarded with a series of messages from my body:

Last week I went to visit our darling children: my son, his lovely wife and their adorable little daughter. To say I enjoyed it  is  the understatement of the year.  At the same time, I was reminded of the power of rhythm and routine in Bi-Polar Land.

We Bi-Polar Landers all know that our condition is all about rhythm - or eb and flow as we often put it. Our condition has a mind of its own. It takes us up, down and round again. We can do two things:

Many of my beloved Bi-Polanders on my Facebook Page have had a chequered history with Quetiapine (usually sold under the brand name Seroquel). I thought it would be useful if I shared my own story with it so here goes:

I am feeling a bit better.  It looks like I have survived one of my most difficult and regular cycles: my yearly one. January and February are NOT good months for me.  I have tried EVERYTHING you can think of (SAD Light, vitamins, etc, etc) and nothing seems to make one iota of difference.

The most effective way I have found of dealing with my yearly onslaught is to give in to it. This is NOT easy.