The writing 'itch'

I have this urge to write. The trouble is, I haven't a clue what I want to write about. It feels like an itch I can't scratch! When this crazy situation occurs, the best way I have found to deal with it is to let Batty speak. Batty is my very own BPD - see her above? I do this by continuing to type and seeing what happens.. 

It isn't the first time I have 'let Batty speak'. I wrote (she wrote?) a whole book full of our 'conversations'. I guess it's been a while since then and Batty is feeling a little abandoned. So Batty the floor is yours.

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I don't feel we've been working together lately. It feels like you have gone back to your previous ways even if you are  less obvious these days. You used to be very upfront about wanting to eradicate me from your life. You have been more subtle lately: you have been ignoring me. For all your talk of making friends with me, you are not behaving the way a good friend does.

I don't mean to be nasty but you must understand that I will have no option but to prod you if you continue to pretend I am not around. As you know, my prodding is never gentle - it is my nature and I cannot help it. You would not expect a wild cat to scratch gently because it cannot. I am a wild cat of sorts.

In spite of what you might think, this is not all about me. I am actually concerned about you. I am an essential part of your creative source and ignoring me does not serve the flow of your creative energy. You need to keep giving me a voice so that I can expand yours in return. You are going to need to fire on all your five cylinders pretty soon and you need me to help you.

I know what you are thinking: I am the reason you cannot function properly. This is only true if you are unmedicated and I have no limits to flow within. Remember what I told you **before: I am like a river - I need banks not to overflow your landscape. At the moment, you are keeping me too shallow for me to flow and I cannot allow this to continue because a unmoving river is a dead river.

So please start talking to me again every day and start listening too. Our conversations are an essential part of your maintaining yourself in remission and keeping me healthy. I know it is a strange thing to say but it is essential for you to ensure I do not turn stagnant - there is a healthy version of me with which you can live a sustainable productive life and there is an unhealthy version of me with which you cannot. I MUST flow through you and it is very important for you to remember this.

This is all I wanted to say.

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Well, I guess I have been warned :D

** Extract from Conversations with Batty (Batty always speaks in italics)

"I have made great efforts to change my attitude towards my medication, as you know. What do you think of psychiatric medication? Do you see it as your enemy?

No.

Why not? After all psychiatric medication is there to bring you to heel so to speak. Does it not restrain you?

It does restrain me but I don’t mind.

How come?

What matters to me is my being able to flow. Think of me as a river. All I really want is to flow, from the source of your creativity to the ocean of your possibilities.

That’s very poetic.

Thank you. The medication is not my enemy for two reasons:

• It stops me from bursting my banks or running too dry. Like any river, neither is particularly good for me.
• It keeps you stable and you are a much better host when you are medically stable than you are when you are totally unstable."