What if I were attached.....

A horrible thought came to me in a flash while I was in between sleep and awakeness one morning: what if I was attached to my bipolar disorder [BPD]? The horrible part of it was not so much the physical attachment (i.e. the fact that my biology is such that BPD is a life-lomg condition for me) but rather the psychological side of it (i.e. the fact that I might in some way be clinging to my BPD). I wish it had but that thought would NOT go away...

I still feel deeply disturbed by my own thinking. Why on earth would such an idea come into my head?! Past the initial shock (disgust even), I knew better than to ignore what had stuck in my mind. Things that stick need to be unstuck or else they fester.

The next thought I wrestled with was this one: although I am very clear that I am not my illness I find it very difficult to imagine what my life would be like without it. I AM NOT it, but it seems I cannot DO without it. The next thought shook me to my core: if I think of my future life without BPD I feel scared!!! I find this reaction of mine totally repugnant, but repulsive or not it is what it is.

Having accepted my own fear and self-disgust as the unpleasant emotional cocktail they are, Marianne Williamson's words flashed before my eyes:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

What the heck am I afraid of? Marianne is right: I am afraid of ME, of what an unimpaired untethered me is capable of. I am afraid of my own power - not in an egotistic sort of way but in a (dare I say it) spiritual sort of way. Yet spirituality is my top core value so I 'should' feel very comfortable with it. Nothing makes sense...

My deeply rooted emotional reaction is at odds with a part of me I consider to be my essence as a human being. My gut is at odds with my soul. How does one reconcile one's intestine with one's spirit????

I have no idea. For now, I just have to accept that I feel fear in a very profound way and love myself through it. If it means that somewhere deep deep inside I am clinging to the weight of my illness to alleviate my fear of taken off then so be it.  What matters for now is that I have asked the question and I have raised the possibility. I know from experience that answers to our most powerful and profound questions in life take a while to percolate through to the surface of our awareness.

I expect this one will take some time to get there.....  :D

well put

well put

Thank you very much

Thank you very much 'Anonymous'  :D x

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