What a Big Head!

If I sit still and quiet for any length of time, straight away my head feels like it is stretching outwards like an inflating balloon. This is fascinating to me even if it is a little odd.

When I first experienced this, it was a strange feeling. Nowadays I enjoy it. I get a sense of 'super awareness', as if my senses were suddenly sharper.

When I was really ill, I remember complaining of what I then referred to as 'sensory overload'. It was highly unpleasant and made me wish I had a volume switch in my body to turn everything down. This, on the other hand, is very pleasant (I am tempted to say 'blissful') even if it unsettled me at first.

Now this is where I get somewhat nervous: this feeling of mine comes with what I can only describe as a sense of 'expanded consciousness'. As I write this I can't help wondering whether a part of me has  gone with the fairies! Yet, I am fully functioning and my grasp of reality is as good as anyone else's, as far as I can tell and as far as everyone around me can tell also.

It's not that I am living in an alternate reality but rather that what we all refer to as 'reality' is BIGGER than it used to be for me and BIGGER than it seems to be for those around me. When we go up in a balloon we see more landscape than we did when we were on the ground and that's what my head seems to have done - or, to be more precise, that's what my BRAIN seems to have done. It is very noticeable when I witness interactions between people whether they are physically near or on TV: it feels like there are bits of 'awareness' missing in those interactions. Frictions, tensions and sometimes outright aggression regularly occur because of those missing bits.

I am excrutiatingly aware of the fact that I may not be making any sense but I feel almost driven to describe this experience even though words fail me. The best I can do is this:

  • I see connection where others tend to see conflict (this makes watching the news very unsettling!)
  • I hear 'calls for love' where others only see hateful attitudes/behaviours 
  • I don't believe in the world as we believe it exists (I know!!!!!). The question people usually ask is 'do you believe in God?' and the question I wan to ask is 'do you believe in this reality?' 

Am I totally off my trolley? Has my cheese slipped off my cracker? Have I gone mad? Am I delusional? I can honestly say that by any accepted measure of sanity my answer has to be NO. So what next?

I have no idea and... I don't care. This sense of 'expanded consciousness' is underpinned by such a profound internal peace that I would not want to lose it, ever.

They say God works in mysterious ways and I am at peace with the mystery. After all, if all mathematics break down as we get closer to what scientists refer to as their Holy Grail (a unified theory of the universe sometimes also called Quantum Gravity), there is no reason why my enquiring mind could not accept a little mystery on its quest to master so-called sanity. If that makes me a little 'strange' then so be it :D

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