The Trouble with 'i'

The good news is: I didn't kill the vacuum cleaner. I bashed it a bit but I didn't do any lasting damage. Shame the same cannot be said about the hallway floor.... I apologised to both the vacuum cleaner and the floor - yes, I speak to inanimate objects. Admitting that alone should guarantee me a bed in the local psychiatric hospital! It's not a new thing either; I have been talking to things as long as I can remember.

I have had a couple of days now to make friends with my self-directed anger. As the good coach that I am, I have been talking to it (do I hear the sound of the white men in the white coats coming to take me away?...) and, more importantly, I have been listening to it. I asked the question: 'what have you come to tell me that I need to know?' and this is what has transpired so far.

I am angry with me because of my:

  • incandescent rage (and of course, being angry about that really helps...)
  • inconsistent behaviour
  • incessant energy/mood fluctuations
  • incapacitating nervous fragility
  • incoherent thinking
  • incompatible poles that pull me in opposite directions
  • impossible desire to crawl out of my own skin
  • indifferent apathy
  • illusionary expectations
  • incredible frustration
  • increasing impatience
  • impotent action
  • indefinite recovery
  • inherent complexity (where simplicity might serve me better)

As I started to list my reasons for being angry with myself, it isn't until I had reached the fifth bullet point that I noticed all of them started with the letter 'i'. I then felt strangely compelled to keep listing my grievances in this same format.

I find it interesting that the little 'i' (or the big 'I', which I could have used) represents the 'id', or the ego.  As I write this, all of a sudden it feels true for me to say that my internal warfare is in fact a battle with my ego. If I change the focus of my attention to my soul (whatever that word may mean to you), then I am struck by the peace I suddenly feel. The thought that comes to my mind immediately is that all is happening as it is meant to be. My timing is perfect. Nothing needs changing. I am OK and i am OK too.

I haven't tested this 'focus switch' in the middle of a rage attack but I promise you I will. I had hitherto assumed that my anger needed to be let out to be diffused - it had never occurred to me that I might actually be able to switch it off, which is not the same as suppressing it.

I admit to feeling both intrigued and excited about this potential discovery.

It seems that talking to yourself isn't such a crazy thing to do after all.  Of course, you coaches out there knew that already :0)

Acting Sergeant Self

Gosh, Gabrielle - that reminds me of an insightful piece that my friend Ted Matchett wrote about the interactions between the ASS (Acting Sergeant Self) and the IS (the real person ... the deep self ... the core of being ... the centre of genuine intelligence) You can imagine what he writes (perhaps I should send it to you) "Get off your ASS" "The IS can: the ASS only believes it can" and so on - two pages of good stuff, much like your blogs, so do keep them coming (when the ASS allows) Ted finishes with a reference to the Delphic oracle: "This above all, to your own IS be true." We missed you at the last Exchange. Blessings to you, Mike

Thank you Mike. I much

Thank you Mike. I much enjoyed your comment! I always feel that I could listen to you for hours :0) Please do send me the piece of writing you mention - I'd love to read it (I presume it can be sent electronically). I was sorry to miss the last Exchange. There was no way I could have gone anywhere that week but I am on track for the next one :0) xxxxx

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