Is the Time ever Right??

What is the matter with me? I mean, apart from my usual mild madness ...  The minute I know I have something to do at a particular time I feel stressed.  It doesn't matter that it is something ridiculously easy, I still feel stressed.

It's not the task itself that stresses me, it's the having to be ready to act at a particular time. And it's not as if my 'duties' were written in tablets of stone either! It's up to me to organise myself as I wish so why on earth do I keep looking at the clock anticipating the next thing I have to do.

Here is a classic example: my lovely neighbours are away for a few days and I always look after their animals during their absence.  I love animals and they seem to like me too so there is no anxiety there.  I know roughly what their care routine is but so long as I keep reasonably close to it I don't have to clock in or out.  Yet, the minute I have completed one round of feeding, I feel such a sense of relief that it is totally our of proportion with the situation at hand!  Not only that but I then start clock watching and feeling tense about the next round. I drive myself crazy!!

The only thing I can think of is that my nervous system is still very fragile.  The catastrophic breakdown I experienced over six years ago now has left me with some 'nervous wobbliness'. It helps me to watch the short video in which I explain what a wonderful doctor once told me.  The creased piece of paper I am now cannot function as a pristine sheet anymore.  I need to accept my fragility. This isn't easy because it sounds so defeatist but, if I am totally honest, I know that I am being self-aware more than self-sabotaging.  In fact, my refusal to face up to my current fragility would be an act of self-sabotage!

I have always been acutely aware of time and I have always been a good tim-keeper.  I always know roughly what the time is even if I don't have a watch.  I occasionally 'lose time' when I am fully involved in a task - writing in particular.  I used to think of this as a good thing but nowadays I am not so sure.... I wish I could forget time altogether!  My positive quality has become an overdone strength and, in the process, a pain in the rear.

So, what shall I do ....

I haven't the faintest idea!  That's OK though because one thing I can handle really well is being in the Not Knowing (as we coaches used to say).  I haven't a clue and at least i feel quite relaxed about that :D

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