Stuck inside myself

The last two days I have been in prison. I am not aware of having committed any crime but I have been incarcerated all the same.

I reach a point in the deep depression phase of my BPD (Bi-Polar Disorder) when my body feels like a block of concrete. I can hardly move. I walk about as if I were wearing an all-body straight jacket with heavy plaster casts on my legs. I feel like I weigh a ton. Each movement demands enormous effort. I am two inches away from becoming a statue.

As if that weren't bad enough my body hurts all over. I have spoken before of how painful deep depression is and much has been written on the subject. Depression is known to cause and intensify pain - and of course, on-going pain also causes depression. So this is a lovely vicious circle.

On a lighter note my butt hurts because I have sat still for too long and my back hurts because I have lied down for too long. I guess the next step is bed sores...

Another thing happens when I feel this low: as I push myself to do something, I start trembling. For example, this evening as I was pushing myself to prepare dinner, after 10 minutes or so of making my super-human effort my hands started trembling so much that I could no longer peel the carrots I was preparing. This trembling feels like there is too much energy going through my body and yet I feel no energy at all. It is as if my sheer effort was rattling my cage! As a result, I do a little something for 10 minutes or so  and then I have to sit down again. I cannot even watch TV for more than a couple of hours before I need to close my eyes and lie down.

Lastly - and to complete this charming picture - my brain feels strange. It gives me the sensation of 'waves' of energy/electricity going through my head in opposite directions. One wave starts on the left hand side while another starts on the right. It makes it very hard to concentrate through all that transversal activity and my speech becomes 'scattered'. I start one sentence and cannot finish it. It used to scare me s**tless but I have experienced it many times so nowadays I just get irritated by it.

The real challenge is for me to accept this stuttering quasi paralysis without letting it get to my morale. My aim is to remain happy when being so deeply depressed that my body barely works.

I am holding on for now. I just hope I don't have to hold on for too long because holding on is exhausting and I am exhausting already!

Oh what fun we have in Bi-Polar Land  :D

PS:  God only knows what I would be like without my meds. Actually that's not true: I know what I would be like. I know where I would be ... on the edge of madness.

that feeling of energy in your brain

that happens to me all the time and I just thought it a side effect of medication. It is awful! I have never heard this mentioned by any other bi polar person. Glad I am not the only one. So Sorry you are feeling so bad. I truly hope you get past this down phase soon. With love, Alissa


i don't know where it went

i don't know where it went but I am talking about that unexplainable thing that happens to your and my brain. Is this common for bi polar people?

I am also bi-polar & i feel

I am also bi-polar & i feel ur pain & frustation.Life is not easy 4 me at all.There is not 1 day that goes by that i dont think of suicide.Its really hard 4 me cause i dont have insurance & i cant afford any meds or a doctor.I keep going on 4 my kids.xoxo

to i have bi polar too and i feel...

i am so sorry you are having problems with getting a dr or meds. i am on disability. You might want to try to get.that. and if they turn you down the first time DON"T give up!!!! it pays for drs and meds and therapy. good luck sweetie


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