Slowly does it...

I am now totally off my evening medication and, to my surprise, I feel a little lost as well as immensely relieved. I have lost the evening ritual that has punctuated my life for the past two-and-a-half years.

I did not expect to feel this AT ALL and yet, when I put the leftover boxes of medication away, I felt a little sad - as if I were saying goodbye to a good friend.

I suppose that my evening tablet (Mirtazapine) has been a good friend. It has:

  • Given my brain some much needed repair time by 'deadening' it (a bit too literally sometimes!)
  • Ensured that I slept (most of the time)
  • Provided me with the chemical balance that enabled me to regain ownership of, and responsibility for, the way I function.

Even if it became too 'heavy' towards the end of my treatment, my evening medication has been a great success. I am after all stable and stability is the Holy Grail of the Bi-Polar world...

I am much more awake in the morning and generally more energetic during the day. As a result:

  • I feel like I now have double the life I had before because my days are so much longer. That's the good bit.
  • I have to watch myself very closely in order to avoid my speeding up into the stratosphere of hypo-mania again. I have a lot to prove before I can trust myself in this regard!

As I have already mentioned, I have become very good at spotting the first signs of my climb upwards and I continue to monitor myself closely. So far, so good.

My natural enthusiasm has returned and I have done a lot of things I would never have considered during the last few years, such as painting furniture and sewing all sorts of bits and pieces. For me to have the energy and the DESIRE to start those little projects is a profound delight. I feel fully alive again. Even my hubby has mentioned that he felt he had his old wife back.

The danger, as always, is that my natural enthusiasm should get the better of me and start driving me, instead of me driving it. When I have started something, I must finish it. That means I have a tendency to push myself a little too hard. Also, my ability to do five things at once (I am the queen of multitasking) can easily lead me to overwhelm myself with an overloaded activity plate.

As well as watching for my first signs of hypo-mania, I now also allow myself to feel tired. That's very good news for me because I spent years pushing way past the tiredness barrier (at the same time as pushing past the pain barrier). Exhaustion was the inevitable consequence...

'Chi va piano, va sano e va lantano' say the Italians - and they are spot on. 'Slowly but surely' is my new focus. I could also say 'gently but sustainably'. 'Slowly does it' seems to be the way forward.

I love having some of the old Gabrielle back BUT I don't want her old bad habits: I want the new improved Gabrielle :D

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