Silent Space

I am feeling royally fed up today. I wish I could have a good cry but I don't even have the energy to produce tears...   I am just an old lump of misery. Good old pain signals are having a field day and I hurt all over.

I have no appetite for anything - not even semolina at the moment! My facial features are set in some invisible concrete and I look ten years older than when I feel well. So, where do I go from here?

The answer must be that I can only go up (although that's not strictly true because I could go a lot further down if I stopped taking my medications). What does 'up' mean on one of my low days, or as I like to put it,  when I feel in the hollow of the bi-polar wave? In truth, it doesn't mean much.

Let's try a bit of self-coaching to see if it helps: what if 'up' did mean something, what would it be? Hhhmmmmmm.....

Absolutely NOTHING comes to mind. Let's give it a bit more time.....

A couple of minutes have passed and two words have suddenly popped into my brain: space and silence.

It feels so true and so right  for me to say that I need both space and silence when I feel low:

• Space in both a physical and emotional sense. There is something about space that feels protective, a bit like a cocoon. I tend to avoid others and I am naturally attracted to the two largest rooms in the house, our bedroom and our front room. Their large windows also contribute to giving me a sense of space. It has just struck me that space also means the biggest dimension there is beyond our own planet earth. In this sense, we certainly go 'up' into space and it could well be that I do too without even realising it.

• Silence is just as important. I suppose you could say that silence is an auditory space. I find it difficult to listen to the radio or to music when I feel low on energy, and I have even been known to watch the TV with the sound off. Silence is soft on my ears, in the same way that semolina is easy on my taste buds. Silence is restful. It's interesting how I have always assumed that I 'descended' into silence - it never occurred to me until now that I could be 'ascending' into it. Going 'up' into silence takes on a spiritual quality that feels very authentic to me. 

This little exercise has totally changed the way I experience space and silence! I am now aware that I do not fall down into space and silence but rather that I climb up into space and silence. My place of recharge is High Space and High Silence, in other words my place of Spirit, my place of Source.

No wonder I don't cry when I feel low - I don't need to.  A faint smile is all that is required :0)