Riding High

There are days when going around in circles actually feels like fun, and today has been one of them. When I feel terrible I am amazed at how awful I can feel but the reverse is also true: when I feel good I am amazed at how easy life suddenly seems.

Over the last few months I have made a conscious choice to enjoy the ride, whether I go around in circles or not. As a result I handle my energy fluctuations better not  - as I would expect - because those fluctuations are improving but because I don't care so much if they're not. I still catch myself calling me lazy and useless and clumsy and all sorts of other nasty things but, on the whole, I am lot nicer live with these days.

I'll be honest though: I still find starting something and not being able to finish it somewhat irritating. I like to finish things. Starting a task and leaving it half-done (or less) for sometimes weeks at a time really gets to me. My dining room table is covered with partly completed tasks. I don't like it and yet, somehow, everything gets done.... eventually.

This is also why a day like today is such a joy: I have completed everything I have started AND completed some of the stuff that was partly finished. Call me The Master Finisher :D

I have noticed that my coordination and my balance improve no end when I have a 'good' day. I have managed to make it through the whole of today without bruising myself or dropping numerous implements on the floor or forgetting where I was going in the middle of it or having to make a HUGE effort just to take the rubbish out. Oh boy does that feel good!

There is one little draw back when my energy is as good as it is at the moment: sleeping becomes more difficult. Even after I have taken my evening medication (which some days knocks me out within 45 minutes of swallowing it) I remain wide awake and raring to go. I am only too aware that this is potentially the beginning of a 'high'. Consequently, I also know that I cannot afford to let myself be too carried away because the next stage is agitation. I have already written that high agitation feels like every cell in my body is rattling its little cage and I meant it. Agitation is not a place I want to go. Therefore, I know that I must enjoy the ride whilst making sure I am riding my energy and it is not riding me. In other words, I can ride but not too high.

I guess every silver lining has its little cloud...

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