Pushing Zs


I am not very energetic today. It's a lovely day and I have managed to get washed, dressed, coifed and made-up in time for a working pub lunch with my Techno Hubby but that's about it. I am struggling to keep my eyes open and it is not even 6.00pm yet! 

This annoys me - there, I've said it. It really annoys me. Even on the medication I take, I still manage to go through phases when I don't sleep at all followed by phases when all I want to do is sleep all the time. What the hell is that all about? I guess it must be the bi-polar thing playing havoc with my body clock...

When he suggested the medical cocktail I am on, I remember my psychiatrist saying to me: "you are going to sleep well". He wasn't kidding! Following my first encounter with my current drugs, I slept for three days and three nights more or less solidly! Things settled after that  - thank God - but I still cannot rely on sleeping normally.

Only a few days ago, I was so awake that I didn't bother to got to bed. My hubby found me sitting downstairs at 6.00am, still dressed in the previous day's clothes, feeling wide awake. I forced myself to go to bed at 7.30am, only because I was afraid staying awake for too long would seriously upset my precarious equilibrium (with the dire consequences that can have for me). Even then, it still took me nearly two hours to get to sleep.

I cannot rely on myself for anything - that's what is so hard for me. One day I am like this, the next day I am like that, and the day after that I am entirely different still. These wild fluctuations in energy/mood don't sit very well with my character. I am a consistent reliable person and this not being able to rely on myself is very hard for me to cope with. I have to go with it of course, but it doesn't feel like going with the flow; it feels more like being on a helter-skelter ride. I find the very ride exhausting! 

If I put my coach's hat on for a minute, the question that comes to me is "what would it take for me to enjoy this ride, rather than 'suffer' it?". .......... That's got me stumped......

The thought that is coming to me now is that it would help me to keep my mind focused on the arrival rather than on the journey, whatever time it takes and whatever ups and downs it encounters. It's like setting a goal but without a ladder to climb in order to reach it. In fact, it feels more like the sort of goal you slide down towards as you would on a toboggan. That's an interesting way of looking at it! I have always unconsciously imagined a goal as an arrival point you climb up to - it had never before occurred to me that you could slide down towards your goal

Isn't the power of a good open question extraordinary! All it takes is  the willingness to ask a question with an open mind with a few minutes' reflection to follow, and a window opens onto a new mental landscape of possibility. It is as if questions were keys to a new personal reality. No wonder Socrates was executed: questions are far too powerful to be let loose on the populace!

The other great thing about this sliding down towards a goal is that it doesn't demand any great energy. Therefore, it is entirely possible for me to focus on something I would like to achieve and to let myself doze my way down towards it. Providing I am not focused on the time it takes, I am bound to reach my destination sooner or later.

Fancy that! I won't even have to Push Zs anywhere - all I have to do is to let Zs push me :0)

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