My Bi-Polar Metaphor

As my hubby was sitting next to me, driving along in the wintry sunshine, I had a light-bulb moment. Just like that. Out of the blue. It suddenly occurred to me that my bi-polar disorder was a powerful physical metaphor for my 'Emotional Swing-o-Metre'.

I have spoken many times of the monster that lived inside my father and that could switch him from a warm loving daddy into a dangerous violent one. This was how I used to experience my father's own bi-polar disorder as a child.

I never realised until today how, in my whole life, I have felt swung between the two most powerful human emotions, each one at the opposite ends of the human emotional scale: Fear and Love. For years, at the very core of me, I swung between Fear and Love, having absorbed a highly warped learning. I had 'learnt' that Fear and Love went together like a hand in a glove. Worse still, I had 'learnt' that Fear was the price I paid for Love. In my crazy internal reality, the more Love there was in my life, the more Fear there had to be.

All that, of course, was going on beneath the radar of my conscious awareness. No wonder all the positive thinking in the world was rendered impotent by my toxic emotional brew. No wonder I have been unstable - mix two chemical opposites and you create a powerful (and often explosive) reaction.

Inevitably, the warped reality I was living eventually cracked, like a bridge that has not been designed to carry the weight of traffic and endure the high winds that are part of its daily life. I too cracked - wide open, right in the middle, in the core of me, where the tension between Fear and Love was the greatest.

Fear at one end......... Love at the other. Talk about Bi-Polar!!!!!!

I have finally retired my emotional Swing-o-Metre. I now know there is only one way to travel and that is from Fear to Love. Love is not just the opposite to Fear: that's half of the learning. Love is the solvent of Fear, in every sense: that's the other half of the learning, the half I was missing until now. When I feel Fear, I no longer run away towards Love: I take my Fear to my Love, I feel my Fear and I Love it. I watch my Fear gently dissolve in Love, until only Love remains because Fear has become Love. There is no killing involved, just a little bit of emotional alchemy.

Because there is no killing, there is no need for me to fight all the time - there is just a need for me to love. It has taken me over half a century to get to this truth and to feel it deep inside of me.

Well.... better late than never, eh?....

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