Living at Sea

Finding the language to describe and communicate how I am feeling on the recovery path is always a challenge. This is why I love images so much, both graphically and metaphorically. (A big thank you to my son Greg for all the cartoons on this site).

The truth is: I miss Terra Firma. You know, it's the place where you can plan ahead and know that you are very likely to be feeling tomorrow as you are today. It's the place where life feels solid under foot. It's the place where you feel you can start building something and still find it standing a few days later. It's the place of no guarantees and yet of regular reliability. It's the place I haven't inhabited for nearly three years now.

I feel like I am living at sea. I am no longer feeling in the eye of the storm being battered from all sides by crashing waves and howling winds, but I am still at sea.

I know life is meant to have a natural ebb and flow, and I also know that being in the flow is a great thing. Somehow, living at sea doesn't feel like either. In the same way that the sea's ebb and flows (or tides) are only visible by the effect they have on land, my own ebb and flows are lost in my current 'fluidity'. I yearn for the feeling of solidity. I remember being in the flow as such a tremendous feeling precisely because it moved me effortlessly from one solid place to another. Bobbing up and down here, there and everywhere, does not feel like being in the flow. If anything, it feels stagnant.

I have come to this point in my recovery where I have a choice: I can focus on the frustrations and the fears of being at sea OR I can focus on acquiring sailing experience and skills. I have chosen the latter (without policing my frustration or my fears). In short, I have chosen to become an old sea dog!

I look forward to being back on Terra Firma but not necessarily on the land I used to inhabit. Who knows, on my sea faring journey I might discover a new land with untold treasures waiting for me to enjoy.

Surely that's worth donning an old sailor's hat and pipe.....

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