Letter to Bi-Polar Depression

When she so kindly drove me to my local Coaching Exchange at the beginning of the month, Nicola gave me another lovely present: A Return to Love, the book authored by Marianne Williamson (updated version) in which she discusses the principles of A Course in Miracles. I was already well familiar with a Course in Miracles and yet I found myself reading and re-reading Marianne Williamson's book, each time feeling very strongly as if I was remembering something deeply embedded inside of me. The two chapters on Work and The Body have been particularly and repetitively compelling for me.

In the chapter on The Body, the author gives examples of letters that people with AIDS wrote to, and 'received back from', their illness. This idea will not let go of me (or I won't let go of it!) and so, here is - unedited - the correspondence that ensued between my bi-polar depression and me.

(I admit that I feel a bit self-conscious doing this but I now know that self-consciousness is rooted in fear and I no longer buy into my old fearful ways).

Dear Bi-Polar Depression,

Where shall I start? The first thing that has come to my mind is how much I have been afraid of you and how much I have hated you in the past. You were the 'monster' that lived inside my Dad and that used to turn him into the threatening unpredictable violent person he could be during all those years when I was growing up . When I was first diagnosed with you in my early thirties, I remember that I wanted to have nothing to do with you. I now realise that I reacted violently towards you and only took my medication when I felt I had absolutely no choice. And so it went on for many years. Deep inside me, I hated you. Deep inside, I wanted you dead. Deep inside, all that hatred was a cover for the fact that I was terrified of you.

How could anyone carry so much fear and so much hatred without becoming 'infected' with it? How could I not end up feeling like I was being torn apart between the love I felt in my heart and in my soul, and the hatred that was imprinted in my mind and in every cell of my body? That you finally manifested into my life with the force of a tornado, fed as you had been for years by my terror, was inevitable. It was not your fault - you could not help it. You had to break out, to explode because there was too much energy built up inside of you. Over the years, I turned you into my own private nuclear bomb. Fissure, or a total break, is what I experienced as a result.

The amazing thing is that I have survived your explosion! I thought I would be shattered into a thousand pieces and, even though I have experienced a total sense of disintegration, I am still here in one piece. You have lost your strength because you no longer need it. I am happy to let you live - better still, I welcome you in my life. I now know that you have the capacity to be a good friend who takes good care of me. I also know that, as is true for any of my good friends, you are not me. We are not the same. It's that difference that makes our loving one another so interesting, so powerful, so healing. I am healing you and you are healing me.

Let's see what more healing we can accomplish together in this world now that we have joined forces. How about it?

Gabrielle xx


     Dear Gabrielle

     I am ALL for it :0)


     Bi-Polar Depression

Dear Bi-Polar Depression

Unlike me, you are of few words!

Gabrielle xx

     Dear Gabrielle

     YOU are the communicator - not me, remember?......

     Bi-Polar Depression xx

You bring me to tears with

You bring me to tears with the honesty account of your painful journey and your compassion to forgive your "new friend".
Once again Gabrielle I am in awe of you and your big heart and soul. N xxx

Thank you Nicky

Few people encourage me with as much love as you do.Thank you Nicola. G. xxxx

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