Incapacity: the Mother of Frustration

There are many days when the frustration I feel about my unreliable level of energy spills into my dreams - more specifically my morning 'vivid' dream (see my description of them in Medication: Friend or Foe?).

When I wake up, I always notice that I have been clenching my jaws together so tightly that my teeth hurt! The body doesn't lie...

The inventiveness I demonstrate when asleep is impressive. I have lost count of the number of situations I have created in my sleeping brain to express my extreme frustration.

Here is a sample of them:

• I cannot get dressed (or undressed), getting so tangled up in my clothing that I end up feeling like a 'saucisson'
• I cannot find a toilet when I need it so badly that my whole body is going to burst. There is no let up to this one until I wake up, which is fortunate because otherwise I might have to start wearing waterproof pants in bed!
• I am unable to find something (ranging from a pair of shoes to my computer) when I need it urgently
• I find myself behaving uncontrollably oddly and embarrassing myself and a loved one (my husband, my son or my brother are the usual victims from my inappropriate antics)
• I get hopelessly tied up in knots when carrying out some simple task such as shopping or cleaning
• I keep running after trains or buses and keep missing them by a second.

You get the idea. Elevated heart rate, pulsing head-ache and sore teeth are the results my sleeping adventures purchase.

When I approached the subject with my illness in my e-book 'Conversations with Batty', I got some interesting insights. This is what Batty came up with (Batty speaks in bold text):

It seems to me two questions could be asked:

1.     What are you really frustrated about that you are not admitting to yourself?

2.    What could your frustration be a metaphor for?

A metaphor? I wasn’t aware that frustration could be a metaphor for something else!

Remember that dreams tell a story that is often a metaphor for a real emotion and/or situation.

I answered Batty's questions at the time I wrote the e-book but I often re-visit my conversations with my illness to see whether anything has shifted - and it has.

I seem better able to FEEL my frustration when I am awake. As a result, I can express it and release it during the day. It never ceases to amaze me how much we are able to feel without actually feeling it - if that makes any sense.

I have also changed the way I look at my frustration. I used to see it ONLY as a 'bad' thing but now I also see it as a sign that I am in better health. After all, in the depths of depression, I didn't have enough energy to feel frustrated! In a way, I now understand that my frustration is (among other things) a bit of pent-up energy.

All I now need to learn is how to release/use that energy in a positive productive way.

I have not mastered it yet but my brain, my mind and I are working on it :0)