Fear of Belief....

Just about two weeks ago, I had an ECT. For the first time, the ECT 'went wrong', in so far as I woke up in the middle of the night following treatment with an acute cramping pain in the whole of my back; so severe was the cramp that it pulled my spine out of alignment. I also had a severe cramping pain where my tongue is attached to the inside of my mouth (which made it very difficult for me to swallow) and the temporary dental crown I had had fitted a week earlier hurt like hell too. I was both surprised by my reaction and very frightened by it because I am hardly an ECT novice: this was my twenty-third ECT and nothing like that had ever previously happened. To make things a bit more uncomfortable for me, the ECT didn't make me feel any better within myself and I was unable to leave the house for the ten days that followed it. I am glad to say that the last two days have been better.

Because I am feeling better in myself, I have spare energy to start asking questions. Prior to that, I was too Knackered to do anything much!

The questions I am currently pondering are:

• What happened during my last ECT?
• Why did I suddenly react like that?
• What is going to happen when I have my next ECT on 14th March?
• What is going to happen after that next ECT because it will be my twenty-fourth treatment, the last one I am allowed?

I admit to feeling scared, anxious, worried, confused, uncertain, unsure.... in other words, I am in perfect Coaching Territory! And so, I put my coaching hat on, with a grin on my face because I promised myself to never take myself too seriously ever again, personally or professionally. Might as well have a bit of fun with this, because it sure isn't fun to be with it :0)

What is under MY control?

• Making sure the last ECT protocol is properly investigated. I have reported what happened and taken appropriate follow-up action. Tick :0)
• Receiving necessary treatment for my excruciating spinal spasms. I have seen my GP and received wonderfully effective acupuncture treatment. Tick :0)
• Keeping fully aware that fear breeds more fear, anxiety, tension, etc - not a great thing to be carrying inside. I am writing about my thoughts and feelings and this is always very helpful to me. Tick :0)
• Facing up to my dilemma square on: at the end of the ECT road, do I try yet another drug or do I give my body a chance to find out how it copes without any direct physical intervention, aside from acupuncture and reiki.

This is the BIG one for me. A part of me says "don't be silly and don't wait until you have deteriorated again to such a degree that you can hardly function before trying another drug". Another part says " trust that your body has now reached the stage in your recovery where it can ride its fluctuations without breaking-down under the strain".

This is where BELIEF plays a huge part.  Do I believe that I will crash again? Do I believe that the next suggested drug will be as useless as the fourteen previous ones? Do I believe that I have recovered to the point where I am no longer in the position I was previously? Do I believe that what I believe is fully under MY control?

Hmmmmm.......

What if I knew I could, what would I CHOOSE to believe?

• I would choose to believe that it is safe for me to give my body a chance to find out how it copes without drugs.
• I would choose to believe that, even if things go 'wrong' I will not be abandoned, I will be able to cope, and it will be OK for me to try the new drug a bit further down the road.
• I would choose to believe that I will not be punished for daring to believe that I can manage this condition without medication.  'Punished' eh?.... That's an interesting thought that's just appeared totally out of the blue. Is that what I am really afraid of: being punished for daring to believe?!?

This is an authentic improvised demonstration of the value of a coaching approach, even when it is self-applied. I am a little stunned.... even though I have been coaching for many years.

I am now clear about what was really going on inside my mind and I have come to a decision. I am going to request my Healing Team's support in helping me find out whether my body can/wants to cope without medication.  My body will decide what is right for it and, in order to do that, I will give it the opportunity to try things out, to investigate and research as an Explorer would.

My body will decide what is right for it - that's got to be the antithesis of the Physical Idiot. Besides, it's also the best way to give my medical support team the quality feedback on which to rest their decisions.  Looks like everybody wins :0)