Dark Thoughts...

Gabrielle surrounded by dark voices

I woke up this morning with very dark thoughts populating my head: thoughts of hopelessness and self-destruction. They go something like this:

  • I am a total failure; I have failed at everything.
  • Everything is a hopeless mess and nothing will ever get better
  • There is no purpose in being alive: it's a pointless exercise
  • The sooner I can get it over and done with, the better
  • Everybody will be better off without me and my l illness because we drain everyone dry.

These thoughts do not come alone. They are inevitably accompanied by judging policing thoughts such as:

  • You are one of the luckiest people in this world: many people love you, care for you and support you. How dare you have thoughts of hopelessness and self-destruction!
  • The fact that you are much loved and still entertain such dark thoughts can only mean one thing: you are an ungrateful spoiled brat.
  • Your thoughts of self-destruction are an insult to those who love you.  How dare you treat them this way!!
  • You are a disgusting human being - you make me sick
  • You are a waste of space.

This morning I asked my husband for his permission to express these thoughts out loud. This is very hard to do:

  • For me, because I have to overcome my shame
  • For him, because it is so very very hard to hear someone you love speak of self-destruction.

My husband is no Emotional 'Wuss' (to use his favourite word!). He sat there with his porridge spoon in his hand and he listened impassively, unjudgementally, lovingly, until I had emptied my Bag of Emotional & Thinking Poison.

It is shocking for me to hear myself say such dark destructive things BUT it is also a great relief. Afterwards, I feel as if I had just had an Emotional Mental Shower. I can even see the funny side of it because my tirade has a melodramatic quality that makes it over the top ridiculous.

My being able to say out loud what I truly think and feel also affects my energy. Not only do I feel 'cleaner' afterwards, I also feel 'recharged', as if I had made space inside for energising thoughts and feelings.

I worry about the effect these dark moments have on my husband but I will let him speak of it himself. All I can say is that, as well as helping me get myself back together, he managed to finish his porridge this morning :0)

For me to share my darkest self with those who love me gives me a sense of deepest acceptance. It says "I am worth loving even when I am in my darkest space. I don't have to shine, to be bright, to be loveable". No Knackering effort, no exhausting work is required on my part.

To call this a Gift just doesn't cut it. When I am given this deep acceptance, I feel am shown a glimpse of what I would call God's Grace.

I hope and pray that you may have it in your life too :0)

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS

Hi (from the frozen north)

When was the last time you drove a car? It doesn't actually matter but what is important is what you did with the pedals. To get some speed up you most likely used the accelerator to start your journey.

Speeding toward obtacles what did you do? Most likely applied the brake? Why? To avoid hitting something, someone or to avoid carnage. How did you manage this? By applying the brake, an action called - DEPRESS - ON.

What do you do once you've fully stopped, avoided carnage and restarted your heart? Take your foot off the brake - DEPRESS - OFF. Move off again and get home safely and recover from the shock.

Having been at the 'total carnage' stage (albeit sometime ago) I can say you'll come out the other side a better model and with a different braking system.

Regards to you both

Pete

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