The Caring Wave

My very lovely Lynette came up to see me: those of you who are subscribers to my blog know all about Lynette already. If I tell you that the little darling drove EIGHT hours to be with me overnight night for five hours, that will give you a measure of the person she is and of the affection she has for me! Her outstanding effort (not to mention the cost of fuel) touched me deeply. Not only that but she also came bearing gifts. I love Lynette to bits - have always done and always will. She is one of my life's Treasures. I am amazed that I am able to count such Treasures amongst my friends and I feel truly blessed.

In fact, as I am thinking about Lynette and my other very special friends, I feel a wave of physical warmth moving from my chest upwards towards my head. The wave reaches my chin and I cannot physically stop myself from smiling. Such is the power of caring and being cared for.

I wish it were the only power I experience but, as things stand at this stage of my recovery, I also experience another wave that I find difficult to cope with. The very same happens when my son and his family (all of whom I adore) come up to see me. A few days before they arrive, something builds up in me that grabs hold of me tightly and doesn't let go until a day or so after they have left. My body registers it in the form of a very upset stomach: my gut hurts like hell (no need for graphic details). It goes into spasms that resemble the contractions of labour.  Very unpleasant.

In true bi-polar form, my head registers excitement and my heart registers joy, but my stomach registers what feels like tremendous tension seasoned with a little sprinkling of panic. Why? What is going on there?

I can only come up with one answer: fear. I feel afraid deep inside of me because I so want to be well for the visitors I love that I am terrified my illness will rob me of the joy of their presence. I get physically stressed out because I care for them and I don't want to let them down or worry them unduly. They care for me so I want to be able to care for them back in a way that expresses and reflects the love I hold in my heart for them. I want so much for them that I inadvertently (and so far unavoidably) demand so much of myself. Even if I have learnt the art of gracious receiving, I don't know how else to love anyone but by wanting to give them the best of me - that's all I have to give.

This wave of 'wanting to give love' that I call The Caring Wave retreats a couple of days or so after my loved ones have left, and it leaves me totally washed out on my own internal shore. Lynette left yesterday morning and today I am a wreck! I am so glad she did not see this!!! My gut is working normally again though so that's got to be good news.....

I am aware that I have always functioned in this way - it's just that now it really registers with me. That's also got to be a good thing because at least I can observe what is happening even if I am as yet unable to ride The Caring Wave rather than be swamped and battered by it.

More learning for me. I would not have it any other way though: after all, The Dalai Lama encourages us to approach love and cooking with the same reckless abandon so, feeling wrecked by The Caring Wave, I must be on the right ocean if not on the right tracks :0)

PS: Thank you Lynette. Come again soon! xxxxxxx.

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