Anger Management Needed?

Oh Boy! It's one of THOSE days....

I amaze myself. I drive myself up the wall, I frustrate myself, and I occasionally despair of myself, but I do amaze myself. How can my energy fluctuate from near total collapse to near blow-up with such ease and such regularity? I can't quite believe it and it is happening to me so what others would make of it, I don't know.

I have just written "it is happening to me" and this does not sit comfortably with the coach in me. What if I were happening to it? What difference would that make? Hmmm....

If I am happening to it, then these near blow-ups are my something. The obvious thought is that I am very angry and my anger comes up to the top on those days when I feel like I want to pulverise everything is sight. Actually, the word 'anger' doesn't cut it: what I feel is rage.

I can think of many things the child in me, the adolescent in me, and indeed the adult in me is angry about. The problem is that I have worked on all those areas and I can say without deluding myself that I have healed the hurt that caused the anger. The extraordinary baby fear and anger that came up to the surface of my conscious awareness during my illness was very challenging to heal but I got there eventually. 

As I am writing this, I am coming to this highly uncomfortable conclusion: it's ME I am angry with. This feels true because the object of my anger is so diffuse, so all encompassing, and it doesn't feel directed at anything or anyone. The ten tons of s**t I want to kick is actually directed at my own backside. Oh..... what do I do with this new insight?.... I haven't a clue.

In coaching, we call these moments of instant insight 'Light Bulb Moments'. I have just lit my own light bulb. As a coach, I know that a time of absorbtion and reflection is needed to follow such an enlightening so I am not surprised that I don't know what to do with my newly gained awareness.

I also know that management is not the answer to everything. Human emotions are not there to be managed - they are there to be recognised, acknowledged, expressed, heard, diffused, directed, healed. Management is too narrow and too superficial a word to describe this process. Nope, I won't try to manage my anger. Instead, I'll take a bit of time to make friends with it because my illness has reminded me of this eternal truth: treat someone or something as the enemy and it will attack you.

Right then - I think I'll go and do some hoovering. Providing I don't attack the vacuum cleaner, that should be OK...

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